Old 10-18-2007, 05:03 PM Offline   #1 (permalink)



 
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Default George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up
> ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't
> talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what
> the captain of the football team is doing these
> days--mowing my lawn.



> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's
> served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
> People are acting all shocked that a human finger
> was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
> contain? Trout?



> New Rule: If you need to shave and you
> still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If
> you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
> If you're a grown man, they're just pictures of men.



> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows
> alone. Here's how much men care about your
> eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're
> done.



> New Rule: There's no such thing as
> flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
> at the supermarket. Water, but without that watery
> taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
> over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
> water.


> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the
> time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
> number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
> deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
> "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing
> me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has
> Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
> It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
> you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
> you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
> just high.


> New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
> sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
> recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
> Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
> table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
> competitive farting?


> New Rule: No more gift registries. You
> know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for
> babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
> white people version of looting.


> New Rule: When I ask how old your
> toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
> Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
> cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Old 10-18-2007, 05:42 PM Offline   #2 (permalink)



 
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lol @ the baby shit....
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Old 10-18-2007, 05:47 PM Offline   #3 (permalink)



 
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george carlin is funny as fuk...got one of his books...keeps me entertained wen im on the shitter
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